How to Stop Self-Doubt from Damaging Your Relationships

Learn how your inner critic affects relationships and what small steps can improve trust, reduce anxiety, and create space for closeness.

Most of us carry a voice inside that questions, doubts, or pushes us too hard. It's not always loud, but it can be unkind. This voice, often called the inner critic, tends to show up when we're feeling low, uncertain, or trying to connect with others. It’s the part that says, “You’re not good enough,” or, “They’re going to leave anyway.”

In relationships, especially during stressful times or after trust has been shaken, this critical voice can grow louder. As the darker evenings settle into London and we start turning inward with the season, it’s common to think about our close connections and wonder why some of them feel tense or distant. The inner critic might be playing a bigger role than we think.

What Is the Inner Critic and Where Does It Come From?

The inner critic is that internal voice that judges our actions, feelings, or worth. It tends to believe we're doing something wrong or that we’re going to be rejected. For some of us, it's always been there in the background. For others, it bursts in during conflict or emotional stress.

This voice usually starts forming in childhood. It may reflect what we were told by caregivers, teachers, or other influential people as we were growing up. Hearing, “Don’t be so sensitive,” or, “You’re too much,” again and again can eventually become something we say to ourselves. Over time, these messages settle in and shape the way we see ourselves, especially in moments of pressure or emotional closeness.

During arguments or when something changes in our relationship, the inner critic tends to step forward. It sees emotional risk and tries to protect us by pointing out every possible danger. In doing so, it often ends up making us feel less safe, not more.

Signs Your Inner Critic Is Hurting Your Relationship

When our inner critic runs the show, it doesn’t just affect how we feel about ourselves, it affects how we treat the people closest to us. Relationships can start to feel less secure when we’re constantly questioning people’s intentions or bracing for hurt.

Here are some signs that this inner voice might be getting in the way:

• You often assume the worst without checking in first

• You doubt compliments or kind gestures, even when they’re sincere

• You expect criticism or rejection before it happens

• You find it hard to trust, even during calm moments

• Conflict seems to trigger intense reactions, like panic, withdrawal, or blame

These patterns can make even simple conversations feel loaded. And when both people in the relationship are reacting from their own inner critics, tension builds quickly.

How the Inner Critic Fuels Feelings of Insecurity and Anxiety

Our relationships often reflect the way we talk to ourselves. If we’re constantly doubting our worth or expecting disappointment, that inner pressure can spill outward. We might bite our tongue when we really need to speak up, fearing that we’ll be too much or say the wrong thing.

This kind of self-doubt can make us anxious. We might overthink small comments, read into facial expressions, or keep trying to please our partner while neglecting our own needs. Over time, this can lead to:

• Gaps in communication, where we stop sharing openly

• Misunderstandings that easily turn into arguments

• Emotional distance as a way to avoid being hurt

Trying to protect ourselves from possible rejection or criticism often ends up building walls instead. The more anxious we feel, the harder it becomes to break down those walls and connect with warmth and honesty.

Small Shifts That Can Quiet the Inner Critic

Calming the inner critic doesn’t mean getting rid of it or pretending it doesn’t exist, but we can learn to recognise it and respond in ways that are kinder and more grounded.

Some small but steady shifts might include:

• Pausing when that critical voice shows up and asking, “Is this true, or is this fear talking?”

• Noticing how we speak to ourselves during calm moments and gently practising more balanced self-talk

• Thinking back to what a younger version of us might have needed, support, encouragement, or understanding, and offering that to ourselves now

This approach combines person-centred and integrative therapy (using humanistic, psychodynamic, and CBT elements), which can help you gently break long-held critical patterns and encourage new, supportive self-talk. Focusing on acceptance and understanding rather than judgement is central to this work.

These small acts don’t erase the past, but they help us respond from a more present and thoughtful place. As we notice the patterns, we can begin to stop them before they shape how we speak or behave in our closest connections.

When Relationship Trouble Runs Deep: Seeking Support

Some situations feel too heavy to manage alone. Patterns like constant fighting, lingering trust issues, or the pain that comes after an affair can start to wear us down. Even when both people care deeply, it’s easy to get stuck in the same painful cycles.

Support can make a difference when:

• The same arguments come up and never feel resolved

• There’s a loss of closeness or mutual understanding

• One or both partners feel unheard, anxious, or easily triggered

Having a calm, non-blaming space to talk things through can help both people feel safer. It’s not about deciding who’s right. It’s about noticing the patterns, like the inner critic, and learning how they’re feeding the conflict. With time, this clarity can lead to stronger and more respectful communication.

Face-to-face support in a private setting, like our rooms in Soho, can offer a confidential environment for individuals and couples to work through these deeper issues.

Finding Steadier Ground for Connection

Learning to notice your inner critic isn’t about blaming yourself. That little voice often came from a need to be accepted, safe, or seen. But holding onto it tightly doesn’t help us build deeper connections, especially with the people we love.

When we meet that critical voice with curiosity instead of fear, something shifts. We start to relate more gently to ourselves and, through that, to others. Softer self-talk builds stronger ground for honesty, trust, and warmth. As we move closer to winter, even small steps toward more self-awareness can open up new space for closeness and peace.

Feeling weighed down by patterns or that critical voice inside can make it tough to connect with others. Therapy gives you space to notice how your thoughts shape your closest relationships and makes room for new ways of relating, especially around anxiety or trust. When you’re ready to take a gentle step toward quieting your inner critic, our calm space in Soho and online is here. Reach out to Lisa Romanova to book a session and move forward with more ease.