Situationships, Anxiety and the Body: How Ambiguous Relationships Impact Your Mental Health

In my therapy practice, I increasingly hear the word situationship being brought up It describes a modern surrogate for intimacy in today’s dating culture — you might share sex, lazy Sunday mornings, and constant texting, yet there is no clear status, no commitment and, most importantly, no shared “tomorrow”. This kind of ambiguous relationship often looks casual on the surface, but it can have a profound impact on your mental health and nervous system.

Many of my clients tell themselves, “I’m fine with this. I’m independent. I don’t need labels; I’m a modern person.” But as a psychotherapist, I pay less attention to what people say and more to what their body shows. When your neck feels like concrete, your jaw is clenched as if you are preparing for a fight, and your shoulders remain frozen in vigilance, your body is signalling that it is in a chronic state of uncertainty and stress. This is how a situationship can quietly turn into anxiety, body tension and emotional burnout.

So why does this happen — and what can you do about it?

1. The Zeigarnik Effect: Why Your Brain Can’t “Just Enjoy It”

Our brain is a kind of perfectionist. In psychology, the Zeigarnik effect describes how incomplete actions and unresolved situations stay active in our mind much more strongly than completed ones. A situationship is essentially an open file that never fully saves and never closes; there is no clear beginning and no clear ending.

In therapy, I often see how the mind keeps “loading” the same questions in the background: Who are we? Is this a relationship? Was I too much? Did I imagine the connection? This mental loop functions like a background app constantly updating, draining your emotional and cognitive resources. Over time, this can contribute to chronic fatigue, difficulties concentrating, and a sense of being emotionally stuck.

From a mental health perspective, this unfinished business keeps your nervous system slightly activated all the time. Instead of resting, your mind is working overtime trying to create clarity where none has been offered.

2. Dopamine Rollercoaster and the Freeze Response in Modern Dating

In many situationships, the partner appears intensely and then disappears without explanation. This unpredictable rhythm — periods of intense contact followed by silence — creates powerful dopamine spikes. You may find that you become addicted not to the person themselves, but to the anxious anticipation of their message, their visit, or their next “good morning” text.

On a physiological level, your body reads this inconsistency as a potential threat. The stabilising muscles along your spine go into hypertonus, preparing for a blow that never quite arrives. Your system hovers between fight, flight and freeze — a state I often see in clients who feel unable to leave, yet never fully secure. You literally start to “turn to stone” in the waiting room of uncertainty.

This is why modern dating can feel so exhausting. It is not just “in your head.” The nervous system is being repeatedly activated and then left without resolution, which can increase anxiety, insomnia, irritability and various psychosomatic symptoms such as headaches or digestive issues.

3. The “Adapted Child” Pattern: When You Try to Be the “Chill” Partner

Another dynamic I regularly observe in therapy is what we might call the Adapted Child pattern. To keep the connection, you suppress your natural need for emotional safety and clarity in order to appear easy-going, low-maintenance, or “cool.” You stop yourself from asking, “What are we?” or “What do you actually want?” because you fear that any request for definition will scare the other person away.

From a psychological point of view, this is an internal script formed much earlier in life, where your own needs felt like a burden to others. In adult relationships, this pattern leads you to accept less than you truly need. But unspoken needs do not disappear. They move into the body.

What starts as emotional self-censorship can manifest as muscle armour, migraines, tight jaw, shallow breathing or chronic fatigue. Many clients in relationship counselling in London come with these physical complaints, only to discover their root in ongoing relationship stress and unacknowledged emotional needs.

What to Do if You’re Stuck in a Situationship

Recognising that uncertainty is not freedom is the first step. It is more like taking out a loan with very high interest — and you repay it with your nervous system, your sleep and your emotional stability.

1. Close the Cycle Internally

Your brain does not actually need the other person’s approval or explanation to complete the story. It needs your decision. When you tell yourself, “This format doesn’t meet my needs; I am not available for this anymore,” you give your system a clear endpoint.

Psychologically, you are changing the status of the situation from “Open loop” to “Completed”. Many clients describe a sense of internal relief when they make this decision, even if it feels painful. Their body often begins to “thaw”: breathing becomes deeper, the jaw softens, and the constant scanning for messages gradually decreases.

This is a key aspect of therapy for relationship uncertainty: helping you move from passive waiting to active choosing.

2. Listen to the Body, Not Just to Theories

Pay attention to your body after each contact or date. Do you feel a migraine, tightness in your chest, a lump in your throat, tension in your temples or shoulders? These are not random glitches. They are signals that your system does not feel safe or held.

Instead of dismissing them as “just stress” or “I’m being dramatic,” you can treat these sensations as information. In psychotherapy, we often work with the body as an additional source of data about whether a relationship is actually supportive or subtly eroding your sense of self.

3. Rebuild a Sense of Secure, Adult Relating

You do not have to do this work alone. Relationship counselling or individual therapy can help you:

• Explore why ambiguous relationships feel familiar or magnetic

• Understand your personal patterns in modern dating

• Learn to tolerate the discomfort of asking for clarity

• Build the internal capacity to choose partners who can offer emotional safety and consistency

The nervous system heals best in environments that are predictable and genuinely responsive. This may initially feel “boring” if you are accustomed to adrenaline and drama, but it is the basis for secure attachment, healthy intimacy and sustainable long-term relationships.

Moving From Emotional Limbo to Clarity

A situationship is like living in a departure lounge on a very uncomfortable chair: you can’t unpack, but you can’t really leave either. As a psychotherapist in London, I see, again and again, that even painful clarity is usually less damaging to your mental and physical health than endless waiting and ambiguity.

If you recognise yourself in these descriptions — if you notice a link between “undefined” relationships and physical tension, insomnia or anxiety — it may be time to look more closely at what your body and mind are trying to tell you.

If you would like support in exploring your patterns in modern dating, situationships and relationships, I offer individual therapy and relationship counselling in London and online. Together, we can work towards more clarity, emotional safety and a way of relating that does not require you to sacrifice your health for connection.